Cold Blooded Christmas Jon Lajoie

[00:03.22] It was late at night on Christmas eve
[00:07.64] I was dreaming of the soft white snow
[00:11.76] I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree
[00:15.47] What it was i did not know
[00:19.49] It was Santa clause he was bringing me some gifts
[00:23.68] Unfortunately i did not know that
[00:26.52] So i quietly snuck up behind him
[00:31.62] And i shot him five times in the back
[00:35.48] It went pow pow pow pow pow
[00:39.49] He said "what the xxxx ow ow ow"
[00:43.50] Then i shot him three more times in the head
[00:47.00] Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead
[00:51.66] That's when i noticed his blood-soaked beard
[00:55.53] And his red suit filled with bullet holes
[00:59.36] I said "oh my god i killed Santa clause
[01:03.32] I'm not going to jail for this asshole"
[01:07.65] So i went to my shed and i got my saw
[01:11.55] And i started to choppipty chop chop
[01:15.68] I started with his arms then his legs then his head
[01:19.48] And then the torso was a really long job
[01:23.76] And the blood went spurt spurt spurt
[01:27.77] It was really hard work work work
[01:31.56] It was hard cutting through his spine
[01:35.72] I must have vomited sixteen times
[01:39.61] I burnt all the pieces in my fireplace
[01:43.75] The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose
[01:46.74] Eleven hours later there was nothing left
[01:51.78] And that's when i heard my telephone
[01:55.45] It was auntie jean looking for uncle bob
[01:59.49] She said "he left the house dressed as Santa clause
[02:03.12] But he didn't come home last night
[02:06.88] Have you seen him god i hope he's alright"
[02:12.23]